Here’s the No. 1 thing that makes relationships successful, say psychologists who studied 40,000 couples

For the past 50 years, we’ve been putting love under the microscope.

As psychologists, we’ve studied more than 40,000 couples about to begin couples therapy. We’ve also been happily married to each other for 35 years, so we know a thing or two about successful relationships.

In a lab study, for example, we were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last — after observing the couples for just 15 minutes. One of the biggest determining factors was how often a couple “turned toward” their partner instead of “turning away.”

When a couple turns toward each other, they make and respond to what we call “bids for connection.” Bids can range from little things, like trying to catch your attention by calling out your name, to big things, like asking for deeper needs to be met.

The happiest couples are savvy enough to notice when their partner is making a bid, and drop what they’re doing, if necessary, to engage.

Here’s an example: Your partner, scrolling their phone, remarks, “Oh, this is an interesting article.” (This is a bid for connection.)

You can respond in one of three ways:

1. By turning toward – Acknowledging them and engaging with their attempt to connect: “Oh yeah? What’s it about?”
2. By turning away – Actively ignoring or just not noticing their attempt to connect: You keep typing the email you’re working on while staring at your screen.
3. By turning against – Irritably or angrily shutting down their attempt to connect: “Can’t you see I’m trying to work?”